Intimacy is gone in a relationship
THE NUMBER ONE sexual problem facing modern couples is inhibited sexual desire.
And, what do you expect from people married for 10-20 years?
Looks like, boredom or age are the main factors in inhibited sexual desire.
So, how long is too long without sex in a relationship?
Let’s start with the question – how often do you have sex?
How often do married couples have sex?
Maybe it’s not a good idea to compare your sex life to others. But it’s interesting what the statistics say about that.
In 2018 General Social Survey (NORC at the University of Chicago) published data based on the interviews of 660 married couples who provided details on the frequency with which they had sex in the past year:
- Only 5% had sex about 200 times a year (4 or more times a week)
- 16% had sex 100-150 times a year (2-3 times a week)
- 25% had sex about 52 times a year (once a week)
- 17% had sex 12 times a year (once a month)
- 19% had sex 4-6 times a year (2-3 times a month)
- 7% had sex about 1-2 in the past year
- 10% hadn’t had sex in the past year
The extreme desire problem is a no-sex marriage
A no-sex marriage does not mean total abstinence, but that sex occurs less than 10-12 times a year. One or fewer times a month.
A low-sex marriage means being sexual less than every other week (i.e., less than 25 times a year).
Approximately one in five married couples has a no-sex relationship.
An additional 15 percent of married couples have a low-sex relationship.
Don’t worry, that’s not a bad thing about marriage. Unmarried couples are like that.
One in three unmarried couples who have been together more than 2 years has a no-sex relationship.
Of course, you did not plan to have a no-sex marriage;
It is a pattern you fell into.
A couple often falls into the cycle of anticipatory anxiety, negative experiences, and, eventually, sexual avoidance.
Sex begins to bring more pain than pleasure, sometimes physical, but mostly emotional soreness for you and your partner.
The longer the couple avoids sexual contact, the harder it is to break the cycle.
Avoidance becomes a self-fulfilling trap.
The longer the partners are in a low-sex or no-sex marriage, the more they blame each other.
The more shameful they feel, the harder it is to break the cycle.
How long is too long without sex in a relationship?
A couple that has not resumed sexual contact 6 months after the baby was born faces one set of problems, but the couple that has not been sexual for 6 years faces a more daunting task.
Yet the strategy for change is the same—renew intimacy, engage in non-demand pleasuring, and add erotic scenarios and techniques.
The more chronic the problem, the more difficult is the change process. Maintaining motivation is a major challenge. Confronting avoidance and inhibitions is more difficult for the couple that has stopped being affectionate.
The good news is that motivated couples are able to reestablish touching, desire, arousal, and intercourse.
How often should a couple have sex?
We may finally ask, “Is it so wrong that we have less sex last time?”
4-5 times per week? Maybe this is our unrealistic expectations.
But, maybe it’s like licorice liqueur. You can enjoy it every once in a while, but you don’t want it as a routine nightcap—it’s too intense.
If I don’t think I’d even want it once a week. So what?
Why am I the WRONG one? We’re tired of being blamed for all the marital problems.
But Ladies, our bodies are made for sex. We are the love machines.
Do you remember feeling excited about seeing some guy at a party and feeling giddy inside? That first touch sent electric shocks and we got wet. Making love turned us inside out.
When did hot turn to ho-hum?
Only women can have multiple orgasms.
Only our bodies have an organ—the clitoris—devoted exclusively to pleasure.
What men can do fast, we can do better.
Our capacity for orgasm begins in the womb and, unless severely interrupted by disease or accident, doesn’t end until the grave. While desire is easily upended, orgasmic functioning usually works like a dream, given enough time and foreplay.
Some of us can even have orgasms just by thinking about sex—without any physical contact.
So what’s wrong with us? Why aren’t we interested in sex anymore? Can we get the desire back?
Difference between a man and a woman in sex
The most common issue for couples is a difference in sexual desire.
Man’s desire is constant, through tiredness, through arguments, through baby screams, through indigestion, through middle age, and through rain and sleet because of the huge amount of testosterone, which can be three hundred times more than the amount that our bodies produce.
It’s man’s nature.
This is not about his possible health problems, such as ED.
In the last major National Survey on sex in America, conducted by Edward Laumann at the University of Chicago and his associates, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men reported some kind of significant sexual problem.
Whereas only 5 percent of the men reported the problem of low sexual desire, 22 percent of the women reported this problem. Another 14 percent of women reported that they felt desire, but had difficulty becoming sexually aroused.
We’d love to have our bodies push us for sex.
In fact, this is the most common reason women say they have no libido.
We don’t always have the same biological prompt—a sexual urge, an instinctual nudge, or an outright horny feeling.
A woman with low desire is like a Porsche with a tank full of gas and a broken starter.
Sexual Myths vs. Scientific Information
50 years ago, we had many sexual myths and a lack of scientific information, suffering from inhibition, guilt, and limited communication.
Unfortunately, the significant increase in sex education has not resulted in improved sexual functioning during the past years.
There are as many sexual problems in the 21st century as in the 1950s,
although the types of problems have changed.
We have better scientific information about sexual function and dysfunction than at any time in human history.
There are a lot of educational materials and self-help books now.
Sexuality is discussed in arenas ranging from pulpits to talk shows.
Sexual themes dominate our culture, especially in TV, movies, and music. There is an enormous amount of sexual discussion, although the quality is low, with a confusing medley of fact and fiction.
Naive, repressive myths have been replaced by unrealistic, performance-oriented myths.
Guilt has been replaced by performance anxiety. There has been no net gain for sexual pleasure.
Sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are still the norm.
Sex is more than genitals, intercourse, and orgasm
Healthy sexuality definition
Sexuality is a complex, crucial aspect of life and marriage. There is no “one right way” to be sexual.
Sexuality involves attitudes, feelings, perceptions, and values.
Sexuality is a natural, healthy element in life. It need not be a source of guilt or negative feelings.
Sexuality is an integral aspect of your personality. You deserve to feel good about your body and yourself as a sexual person.
The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching.
Express sexuality so that it enhances your life and your intimate relationship.
Fix a marriage that is not going well. There’s no such thing as “too much” or “not enough” sex.
Bridge the emotional distance that you may feel has come between you and your spouse because you feel you are “falling out of love”
Decide if it’s worthwhile to stay together or to be together
That’s the THING
- Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989–2014 Jean M. Twenge and others
- Butler, & Lewis, M. (2002). The new love and sex after sixty. New York: Ballantine.
- Ellison, C. (2001). Women’s sexualities. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger. Foley, S., Kope, S., & Sugrue, D. (2002). Sex matters for women. New York:
- Guilford.Goodwin, A., & Agronin, M. (1998). A woman’s guide to overcoming sexual fear and pain. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
- Gordon, S. (1990). Why love is not enough. Boston: Bob Adams.
- Hafner, D. (2002). From diapers to dating. New York: Newmarket.