Getting sensation back – woman’s way
The standard advice given to women with low sensation is to consult their physician.
But this is the last thing many of us end up doing.
In general, having a poor libido is something a woman resigns herself to.
Maybe you feel like you're missing an important part of your life.
The next step is to do some research and read some self-help books: “How to get sensation back: woman’s health guide“
Or talk to your partners to try to find ways to reconnect, such as watching or reading erotica or planning ‘date nights.
You can also try acupuncture, herbal remedies, or sexuality workshops.
The success of these types of therapies varies, although some women report significant improvement.
And really, besides cash, what is there to lose?
How to get sensation back: what a woman can do with decreased vaginal/vulvar sensitivity
Visit a doctor
The doctor has a rather lot to figure out, usually in less than 18 minutes in the US.
You will be asked about medical history, hormonal status, changes in sexual interest, troubles with arousal, orgasm or vaginal dryness, pain, emotional distress, and use of medications or supplements.
Essentially the doctor will try to decide whether the problem relates to libido, arousal, or orgasm difficulties.
You may have a pelvic exam, checking for thinning of genital tissues, vaginal dryness, or pain-triggering spots, any of which could contribute to a lowered sensation.
Do Sex therapy
You may also visit a sex therapist or marital counselor.
Relationship issues are a very common underlying cause of loss of desire, and counseling may help.
I once read that:
Sexual problems fit into three basic categories: can’t get it up,
can’t get it in, or can’t be bothered.
Sex therapy is well recognized for helping women experience orgasms and men get better control of ejaculation.
Unfortunately, however, mismatched desire and female low libido persist as the hardest areas to treat.
But if your interest in sex has never been very strong, it is unlikely that therapy or hormone treatment will dramatically increase your sex drive.
Therapy usually involves education about sexual response, sex techniques, and sex homework during 4 to 6 months of weekly one-hour sessions. In the US, costs range from $100 to $200 an hour.
The problem is that when it comes to treating low female desire, sex or marital therapy doesn’t have a terribly good success rate.
Psychological causes for decreased sensation in women
Our culture tells us that we deserve more. The TV shows and movies we’ve watched since we were little girls promise us a life of adventure, and, of course, everlasting passionate love.
Our society is one of serial monogamy. Could the shift in desire simply be a result of the preoccupations with family life and domesticity?
Isn’t it unrealistic to expect that we should have an ever-robust libido when, after all, science reveals that desire dissipates as we age?
Many women find themselves in relationships where the libido is out of control
If this is your situation, you may ask yourself,
Who in the relationship is in the best position to fix the sexual stalemate?
Is it you? Is it him?
Low desire and loss of sensation happen in long-term relationships, which start heady and intoxicating, but over time drain themselves of passion.
It seems that the longer we stand in the space of lovers turned friends or punishing each other, the longer we stand apart and the greater the work required to restore sex drive.
The Work? Yes.
Who said love and desire would be as easy and plentiful as grass?
If you are in a relationship where the sexual current has slowed, important questions to ask are,
Who has the most to lose if the situation is not improved?
What might the consequences be?
Threat of adultery?
Or simply one or both of you feeling undesired, unseen?
The nature of adult sexuality is still uncertain
Extramarital sex, affairs, prostitutes, mistresses, or even second or third wives, have been almost the norm for the human male. Even now in many cultures men are not expected to remain faithful to one woman.
And yet, as a general rule, in the West, we do not accept that a man should have other lovers.
Our man is ours alone.
The departure of his affections is the greatest affront, the greatest betrayal, with divorce a common response.
Betraying your man
But do we acknowledge our own betrayal—that we may well have denied him sensual intimacies, stopped being his lover long before he started looking elsewhere?
Chronically not in the mood ourselves, we tell him he cannot have us,
nor can he have anyone else.
We demand he is sexually faithful in this mostly sexless marriage: be sexually mine, but without my physicality, without body love.
We are not pretty enough or rested enough, we have an eco-chic house to keep up, children to raise, a career to fortify, and wrinkles to control.
Can we vanquish our larger-than-life expectations and learn how to be as we are? Learn how to become in tune with whatever stage we’re currently in, and accept the sexual implications—whether we are young and experimental, partnered with small children, or menopausal.
How to get your sex drive and sensitivity back?
If our sexual relationship falters, it’s up to one person to shift the gridlock of sexlessness.
An easy way is simply to kiss.
Kiss your partner every day. This can keep your sensual bond alive, preventing you from becoming more flatmates than lovers.
Kiss him sexually, with an open mouth, says, You are more than a companion to me, more than a friend, we are sensual, in this together.
The thing with sex is that once it is resumed, once estranged bed partners have reconnected, a sensual gravity of sorts often draws you back down together.
Orgasms originate between the ears, not the legs.
You may not realize it, being too busy paying bills and putting sunscreen on toddlers’ noses, but your relationship is under threat.
Sensuality, particularly for women, is often about our mindset
If there isn’t enough space in our mind to entertain erotic sensibilities, then forget about entertaining an actual penis. Learning what exactly makes us feel sensual is the key to everything.
To restore your sensation, increase libido, and desire, and explore your sensuality, you need to create time for self-pleasure in your life. This could mean setting aside a time when you apply creams to your body in a sensual ritual.
A time when you feel your hips, thighs, and breasts and reflect upon things that make you feel sexual and beautiful and connected to your body. Slip some erotic poems into your reading. Give sensuality a proper place in your home and learn what turns you on.
Despite their unprecedentedly busy lives, women have a lot of time for passion. It’s just that after a relationship has been established, the passion they find themselves focusing on can be less about eroticism and more about passionate mothering, having a passionate career, passionate home, and food presentation, or a passion-inducing appearance.
If you find your sexual desire is lacking and you wish to reclaim it, energy must be removed from other areas of your life.
Instead of spending our time attempting to look desirable, let’s be desirable.
Let’s skip the pretense of looking sexy, and instead explore how to be sexy,
in whatever way suits us best.
Anticipation is one of the greatest igniters of desire, and by engineering a little intimacy we can enjoy the lead-up to sex and its inherent erotic tension. Scheduling time for just the two of you gives sex drive priority. Desire likes that.
Schedule weekly or monthly date nights.
Women’s sex drive remains an unsolved mystery, making ‘normal’ or ‘dysfunctional’ definitions impossible.
Menopause and aging are challenges to our sense of our sexual selves.
But, sexual attitudes arguably affect our sexual behavior more than the aging process.
Women who give greater priority to sex in their everyday lives are less likely to experience low desire,
low orgasmic function, and low arousal. Indeed, it seems nothing trumps relationship factors
when it comes (or doesn’t come) to low desire.
Women’s sexual response is greatly influenced by how they feel about their partner, and studies indicate that this may be more important than hormones to sexual response.
In pursuit of our full sex drive, we can engage in sex therapy, drug treatment, Tantra, or other mindfulness practices.
Physiological causes for decreased sensation in women
When a thought of sex leaves you worried instead of excited, you may be one of the millions of women who experience FEMALE SEXUAL AROUSAL DISORDER.
This means you may not attain or maintain arousal or be unable to reach orgasm or have no desire for sexual intercourse at all.
This is a case when ladies are so frigid that they do not get sexual arousal or orgasm by any type of stimulation and foreplay or even long sexual intercourse. Some women
used to get orgasm but fall victim to female sexual arousal disorder after some time due to illness, surgery, removal of the uterus or after menopause, hormonal issues, damage to pelvic
the region, removal of the clitoris.
Normally sexual stimulation leads to increased blood flow to the genitals, which makes the labia and vaginal walls swell and lubricated. Several hormones are
released to allow blood flow to female sexual organs and help female arousal but this does not happen if you suffer from female sexual arousal disorder.
Whenever a woman is aroused and sexually excited, it results in the expansion of blood vessels in the pelvic region allowing more blood flow to the genitals. This increased blood flow causes seepage of fluid into the vagina to provide lubrication before and during intercourse. A woman with sexual arousal disorder does not give this response or maintain it throughout the entire sexual activity. She does not produce enough fluid for lubrication, which results in painful intercourse and she, therefore, ends up avoiding sexual activity altogether.
The Magic of Lubricants: Better sensation Quickly Guaranteed
IT TAKES ONLY seconds to demonstrate that sexual lubricants enhance your sensitivity naturally:
- Close your mouth and dry your lips.
- Run a finger lightly over them, focusing on how it feels.
- Now, lick your lips.
- Run a finger lightly over them.
If touching moist lips feels more sensual, lubricants can help you back your sensation. You start enjoying more pleasurable lovemaking immediately.
Unfortunately, many sex resources underestimate lube, mentioning it only in passing for older women suffering from menopausal vaginal dryness.
Because of it, many women of all ages experience uncomfortable dryness and decreased sensation during sex.
Vaginal Dryness and loss of sensation: Common in Women of All Ages
In surveys of several thousand women, University of Chicago researchers found that from age eighteen to fifty, around 20 percent of women—one in five – have trouble self-lubricating. Menopause, it’s a problem for one-quarter of women in their fifties, one-third of women in their sixties, and more than 40 percent of women over seventy.
Natural Vaginal Lubrication
Imagine pouring water on a dry sponge. It absorbs the fluid and expands until it’s saturated. With additional water, the sponge drips. That’s how vaginal lubrication works.
As women become aroused, the arteries in and around the vagina open (dilate) and extra blood flows into the clitoris, vaginal lips, and vaginal wall. In the clitoris, this blood causes an erection. The little bump grows prominent. The vaginal lips part a bit, becoming more receptive to erections. The sponge-like vaginal wall soaks up a good deal of extra blood. Eventually, some of its fluid portion (plasma) gets pushed through the spaces between the cells, forming sweat-like beads on the inner vagina— vaginal lubrication.
Possible reasons for lubrication problems include:
- Individual differences. Some women just don’t produce much.
- Estrogen fluctuations. Breastfeeding, menopause, and conditions affecting the ovaries may also decrease lubrication.
- Lack of desire or arousal.
- Lifestyle. Smoking constricts the arteries, limiting blood flow into the vaginal wall. Dehydration reduces the amount of plasma available for lubrication. Alcohol is dehydrating. Tampons may also contribute to dryness.
- Medical conditions. Diabetes, high blood pressure, pituitary problems, and other conditions may impair lubrication.
- Medications. Lubrication may decrease when taking drugs that cause dry mouth: antihistamines, decongestants, antidepressants, cannabis, and progesterone birth control pills.
- Sex style. Extended love play usually increases lubrication. Rushed intercourse may not allow time for it to appear.
Consequently, many women of all ages benefit from lube.
How to increase vaginal sensitivity naturally?
But whatever road we choose, let us work towards defining our own enjoyment and personalized sensuality. After all, sexual prime is a function of ‘sexiness’—and that can peak at any age.
My personal secret ingredients for a good libido:
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- Bitzer, Johannes, Annamaria Giraldi, and Jim Pfaus. “Sexual Desire and Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder in Women. Introduction and Overview. Standard Operating Procedure (SOP Part 1).” Journal of Sexual Medicine no. 1 (2013
- Bloemers, Jos, Jeroen Gerritsen, Richard Bults, Hans Koppeschaar, Walter Everaerd, Berend Olivier, and Adriaan Tuiten. “Induction of Sexual Arousal in Women Under Conditions of Institutional and Ambulatory Laboratory Circumstances: A Comparative Study.” Journal of Sexual Medicine 7, no. 3 (2010)
Brotto, Lori A., A. John Petkau, Fernand Labrie, and Rosemary Basson. “Predictors of Sexual Desire Disorders in Women.” Journal of Sexual Medicine 8 (2011)
- Ellin, Abby. “More Women Look Over the Counter for a Libido Fix.” New York Times, July 2, 2012. www.nytimes.com/2012/07/03/health/more-women-seek-over-the-counter-sexual-remedies.html
- Heiman, Julia R., and Donald Pfaff. “Sexual Arousal and Related Concepts: An Introduction.” Hormones and Behavior”, no. 5 (2011).
Komisaruk, Barry R., Nan Wise, Eleni Frangos, Wen-Ching Liu, Kachina Allen, and Stuart Brody. “Women’s Clitoris, Vagina, and Cervix Mapped on the Sensory Cortex: fMRI Evidence.” Journal of Sexual Medicine 8, no. 10 (2011).