How to know if your husband is cheating
“I read tons of “signs your husband is cheating” or “100% guaranteed signs of cheating”, but it was frankly overwhelming. I have no idea what to believe”. – Mell was forty-five and had two teenage daughters. Her husband was fifty-three and had recently bought a black convertible, started working out, ran his first marathon, and dyed his hair.
Mell was convinced by the cheating signs she read that her husband is cheating.
But when she approached him, her “cheating husband, ” said it was not true.
She doesn’t know how to believe in cheating and how to deal with infidelity.
After all, she figured men do hit midlife and do some interesting things. Was it possible that her husband had decided to be healthier and enjoy life a bit more as part of his midlife crisis without cheating at the same time?
As a marriage counselor, Gary Neuman has spent much of the last two decades watching marriages unfold and wrote an excellent book “The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It”.
His research asked men to detail the warning signs they thought they gave their wives that hinted or told them they were close to infidelity. I then asked them for warning signs that they were involved in infidelity. Both lists were quite similar, with only a couple of differences.
5 most guaranteed signs of cheating
Cheating sign #1. He began to spend more time away from home
55% said more time spent away from home was a sign that they were close to infidelity, and it went up slightly to 61% when they were involved in infidelity.
What’s quite fascinating is that the majority of the men started spending more time away from home before they cheated.
Warning: This sign and the ones below indicate not only that your husband is cheating, but are also a precursor to his cheating.
If you can catch the signs in time you might avoid the pain of infidelity and be able to repair your relationship.
During the affair, 61 percent of the men spent more time away from home.
Sometimes men will tell their wives to trust them because “I could cheat during my regular day if I wanted to.”
Although it’s true that you can’t possibly keep tabs on your husband’s whereabouts during the workday, it still seems that cheating men find extra time to slip away from home, and not just during work hours.
When you start to notice that your husband is spending less time at home, watch out and find out what’s going on with him.
Remember, it’s not proof that he’s cheating, but it’s pretty clear that he’s close, and there should be no waiting on talking about changes to make your marriage better quickly.
True Story from Dave - cheating husband
Dave saw his mistress on his way home from work almost every day. She lived only a few blocks away so he could see her whenever he left the house.
He’d go out on weekends to play softball and get there late after seeing the other woman. He’d offer to go grocery shopping for his wife so he could grab an extra half hour with his mistress. His wife never knew and still doesn’t.
“I was like a thief sneaking around. My wife never realized I was away as much as I was. I think we’d become so different anyway, our lives were somewhat different. She didn’t want to watch me play softball and was happy if I’d leave to food shop.”
Dave didn’t think he was a great liar, but felt his wife wasn’t looking at the most obvious signal reported in the research.
He was finding more and more excuses to be away from home. “Toward the end it got so ridiculous, like I wanted to get caught, that I told her I was going to play golf. I didn’t even own clubs and she was just too distant at that point to ask what was going on.”
Cheating sign #2. You rarely make love.
The number two signal isn’t surprising, although the numbers are: thirty-four percent of men reported diminished sexual activity as a sign they were close to infidelity, and it rose to 43% once the infidelity was underway. Again, it’s noteworthy that 34 percent saw the diminished sexual activity as a warning sign before any infidelity, telling you again that you can catch some of these signals before an affair or even unhappiness sets in.
Only 43 percent said it was a signal of actual infidelity.
You’d think there’d be a higher number if they’re already having sex outside the marriage. It could be that they didn’t have so much sex before, so it wasn’t much of a change once the infidelity began.
True Story from John - cheating husband
John had sex about once every three weeks with his wife. When he was cheating, he still maintained the sex at home. “I didn’t want to do that to my wife, but if we stopped having sex completely, she would’ve become suspicious. I didn’t know what else to do.”
Fifty-seven percent of cheating men will cheat and yet not have less sex with their wives, although the usual frequency could be once every couple of months in many struggling marriages.
Cheating sign #3. He began to Avoid Contact with You
The next signal was “avoidance of contact (cell phone calls),” at 29 percent and dipping slightly to 24 percent once the infidelity began.
The contact you have with your husband during the day, even if it is about the ordinary business of life, still helps you develop a general awareness of each other. His avoidance of your calls or desire not to spend time with you points to a desire to disconnect, whether he is conscious of it or not.
Stay connected with little calls to say, “Hi, I love you” and “How is your day going?”
Cheating sign #4. He Criticizes You More
“More criticism of wife” scored 25 percent, but dipped to 19 percent once the infidelity began.
True Story from Helen - betrayed wife
Helen didn’t understand what was going on. “He used to love my cooking. My mother was Italian and he’d be proud of my ethnic dishes. All of a sudden, he was tired of my food and wanted me to mix it up a bit. I was insulted, but I tried other things and he seemed okay. But then he started on me for how I was spending the money. Ever since we were married, I took care of the finances because I have an educational background in finance. Now he was questioning me and looking over my shoulder. Suddenly, he didn’t like the way I was putting away our savings, and we had a huge fight over all of the changes he demanded.” Six months later, Helen discovered her husband was cheating and funneling money to help out his mistress.
Cheating sign #5. He Starts More Fights with You
Twenty percent said they started more fights with their wives.
Notice that criticizing their wives and starting more fights can be seen as very similar signals.
Put them together and you have a large portion of men who were more harassing to their wives.
Most cheating men spent more time away from home, avoided contact, and had less sex with their wives.
These signals represented in changes in behaviors (and remember, they’re only significant if there are changes in these areas) seem to indicate that the warning signals will be about your husband disconnecting from you.
When you feel your husband has changed into a person who is disconnected from you,
it’s a sign of impending danger to your marriage.
He might mention The Woman
Listen Closely. Often, your husband will begin talking more and more about a woman, usually a colleague in the office or organizational board. He’ll tell you they had lunch or ran into each other somewhere else and that her family went to such and such a place for vacation and her kids loved it.
Your husband thinks you guys should go there for your next vacation. Since he hasn’t had sex with her he’s not hiding the relationship with her. But as he becomes friendlier you need to remember that most cheating occurs with friends, not one-night stands just for sex.
So your husband might be telling you about his potential mistress straight to your face. He may even want you to meet her.
Beware of admiring comments and begin to consider what needs to happen in your marriage so that your husband seems as excited to hear your ideas as those of his newfound friend. How does this woman seem to make him feel?
Why You Should Know ASAP if Your Husband Is Cheating
There is a severely complicated issue around lying that many people miss. Usually, as my research shows, there is lying and it continues for a period of time. It’s during this time that the ability to ever repair the relationship diminishes.
Cheating is more than cheating itself. It’s also about lying.
A man who tells his wife about the cheating without putting her through months of painstaking torturous confusion trying to figure out what’s going on is a man who has a better chance of repairing his relationship.
For every lie that is avoided, there is a greater chance of success, because it is the lie that causes wives to feel as though they can never trust their husbands again.
Just cheating is bad enough. But if a man finds himself lost and comes to his wife and says “I need help” after his wife has been lied to straight into her eyes, she has the unfortunate task of not only getting over the affair but also figuring out whether she and her husband can repair their marriage. She worries about whether she will trust that he won’t cheat again and lie over and over about it.
If a husband hasn’t lied to his wife and they’re able to work things out, she’ll be able to trust that if she ever asks him when she finds him pushing the marital boundaries in any way, he’ll be honest with her. Believe it or not, that can make all the difference in whether a wife will ever feel good about her marriage again.
Unfortunately, if your husband has cheated, there’s a 93 percent chance he’s not going to tell you (and an 81 percent chance he won’t tell you even after you initially question him).
If your idea is to keep badgering him about it until he cracks, guess what? Bad, bad idea. The longer you continue that process of feeling that something is going on and waiting for him to come clean while he continues to lie to you, the farther away you are from being able to repair your marriage.
If you feel he is cheating and he denies it, take action—check cell phone bills and e-mails, ask friends or relatives you can trust if they’ve heard anything suspicious, or hire a private investigator—for your sake and for the sake of your marriage.