My husband has destroyed me emotionally, and yours?

You’ve spent so much time creating intimacy with your husband.

It took me seven long years before I started to think – I can’t do this anymore, my husband destroyed me emotionally,

Our relationships bring me unavoidable pain that is inherent to intimacy.

All relationships involve risk, especially romantic ones

All relationships come with risk, but in a romantic relationship we can’t get away from the inevitable pain that shows up in moments of deprivation, loneliness, disappointment, hurt, insecurity, and disconnection.

As a result, we long to merge and be seen and accepted by our partners, while we also fear being rejected, abandoned, engulfed, or judged.

We all want intimacy and fear it

Because we both yearn for intimacy and fear it, we are drawn into a dance of moving toward connection while at times running away in order to protect ourselves.

We all need to learn to observe and face the unavoidable pain of intimacy,

without using relationship-destroying strategies.

Although romantic relationship problems bring up universal human pain,  your couple’s unique history and life experience will also shape specific beliefs and negative expectations about what happens in an intimate partnership.

Stop being a victim in your own marriage

That’s why the best thing you can do as a wife is to become a “satisficer” and stop to think that your husband has destroyed you emotionally.

Remember,  Satisficer concentrates on the reasons she made the decision she did and practices gratitude, or being grateful for the wisdom of that choice.

Are you really married to a psycho?

Now, if the choice of a husband was wildly stupid – you married a person who is addicted to drugs or an alcoholic, or who has neither character nor elementary decency – this is one thing.

But assuming that’s not the case, focus on why you chose the man you did.

Focus on what he brings to the table and be done with it.

Don’t look for more.

Stop thinking: My husband has destroyed me emotionally

Decide to stay

You can’t switch husbands the way you can switch jobs.

If you do, you will leave behind a trail of misery. Each time people remarry, their chances of failure skyrocket.

That’s not me talking—those are the statistics.

More than 70% of remarriages that involve stepchildren fail.

Again, more than 70% of remarriages involving step-children fail.

Improving existing marriage

You’re just better off staying with the man you chose in the first place, as long as he’s not a psychopath and if there are kids involved.

It is infinitely easier to improve an existing marriage than it is to start over from scratch.

Because give it enough time, and that marriage will have just as many warts as the first.

What will you do then?

Become Elizabeth Taylor?

Divorce is never the answer

Divorce is never the answer.

It may indeed be.

But divorce is never the answer if the purpose for it is to find happiness with someone else.

Perhaps you are your own worst enemy, and the main problem lies within you, and not in your husband.

Do you feel like he ruined you emotionally?

You may have destroyed your husband emotionally as well

Perhaps you are your own worst enemy, and the main problem lies within you, and not in your husband.

If that is the case, why not take a new approach, a new attitude, toward the problems you’re having?

What if the answer has been there all along and you have yet to take advantage of it?

Isn’t that worth exploring?

When it comes to marital conflict, which every couple on the planet has, the trick is to focus on the problem itself and not wallow in blame. Blaming invariably leads to thoughts about other men or other relationship scenarios that you are convinced would be best for you. This is what is known as Green Grass Syndrome, and it is toxic.

The Green Grass Syndrome

The Green Grass Syndrome, or the tendency to believe that a different choice will be better for you than the one you’ve already made, is debilitating.

And it’s never been more difficult to avoid.

A culture of endless choices and options, as we have today, encourages women to search for something better when they’re dissatisfied.

This will help you easily push your husband out the door if there is the slightest misunderstanding.

So easy to say to yourself – “My husband has destroyed me emotionally’  and “Goodbye” – to your marriage.

I’m not saying women treat marriage lightly or file for divorce the moment there’s a crisis.

I don’t think we do.

But without a belief system in place that differs from the one they’ve absorbed from the culture, we will always land in the same spot.

We are trying to solve problems very often with the only paradigm. – “Leave!”

And that one doesn’t work.

Lack of communication

At times like these, what you need most is good communication.

But communication difficulties plague relationships between men and women, in part because of inherent gender differences.

When you cannot speak freely with your husband, detailing your joys and sorrows in a safe environment, you feel alienated from him.
Trying to build a relationship by opening your heart, you feel left out if he doesn’t spend time with you, if he downplays your feelings, especially your fears, instead of just listening.

What men often don’t realize is that if they just let their wife talk until she thinks he actually heard her, she will feel much better and the root cause of her unhappiness may seem less important to her.
Of course, over time, you still have to solve the problem, so the husband should not just forget about it or consider it a trifle.
Now we are talking about the importance of listening with loving attention.

Something our mothers and grandmothers understood that we today do not is this:

You can never get everything you want all wrapped up in one man.

 

No matter who you end up with, there will always be something missing.

ALWAYS.

Research has shown that every happy, successful couple has approximately 10 areas of ‘incompatibility’ or disagreement that they will never resolve.

If we switch partners, we’ll just get  new 10 areas of disagreement,”

It is your attitude that makes the difference.

The way we handle conflict when we assume we’ll be together ‘‘till death does us part” is very different from the way we approach conflict when we assume we can always leave.

Technically, no one is stuck—the freedom to divorce will always be there.

The trick is to pretend it isn’t.

The very option of being allowed to change our minds seems to increase the chances we will change our minds.

Constantly asking yourself whether or not your husband is worthy of you, or whether or not you’d be better off with someone else is disruptive to the marriage.

It’s like trying to have a conversation with another adult when a toddler is in the room.

The constant distraction undermines the goal.

It’s simple, really.

As the relationship “navigator,” you have the power to steer the ship in the direction you want it to go.

The trick is to manage the ship properly.

When it comes to love, women hold all the cards.

Men are a lot less complicated than women.

Not simple as is often portrayed in the media.

Simple in that they have far fewer needs than we do.

What men want most of all is Respect, Companionship, and Sex.

 

If you supply these basics, your husband will do anything for you—slay the dragons, kill the beast, work three jobs, and so on.

Men will happily do this if, and only if, they are loved well in return.

It is when men are not loved well that problems arise.

That is the nature of the male-female dance.

….

Now I know what you’re thinking—that I’m putting everything on you.

Not exactly.

Husband’s responsibility

Your husband is responsible for his own actions.

If he chooses to get repeatedly drunk, for instance, it’s his job to own up to that behavior and put a stop to it.

The same goes for his emotional outbursts if he

  • destroy you emotionally,
  • not come home when he said he would,
  • has an affair,
  • and etc.
Men tend to follow women’s lead.

Your husband’s actions are more often than not reactions.

He’s reacting to something you said or did, or to something you didn’t say or didn’t do.

He’s reacting to your moods, your gestures, your inflections, and your tone.

 

That’s how men are.

Your husband wants you to be happy, and when he sees it isn’t working he thinks he’s failed.

That’s when he acts out.

Choose the right puppet strings for your husband

To put it another way: a wife is in charge of the puppet strings.

If she pulls on the wrong one, she gets a negative response. If she pulls on the right one, she gets a positive response.

Once you know this, or more importantly, once you accept it, you realize that if your relationship isn’t going well, it is YOU who needs to change.

You need to go first.

If you do, the rest will fall into place.

Marriage is like a game of chess

Another way to think about the male-female dance is to consider the game of chess.

In chess, the king is the most important piece, but also one of the weakest.

He can only move one square in any direction—up, down, to the sides, and diagonally.

The queen, however, is the most powerful piece. She can move in any one direction—forward, backward, sideways, or diagonally. And how she moves affects how he moves.

Resent it or embrace it

As a woman, you can respond to this dynamic in one of two ways: you can resent it, or you can embrace it.

I used to resent it.

I’d think to myself, How can I possibly make sure my husband isn’t negatively affected by my every mood swing?

I’m a Pisces, for God’s sake!

My moods shift with the wind!

And,  why am I responsible for my husband’s reactions?

The whole thing seemed like a whole lot of pressure, not to mention unfair.

Preparing to have a conversation with your husband

Here are three rules for having a general conversation with your husband:

  1. Choose a time when he’s likely to be the most receptive.
  2. Bottom line it, or get to the point, right away.
  3. Wait.

And here are five rules for asking your husband to make a change of some sort:

  1. Choose a time when he’s likely to be the most receptive.
  2. Say something genuinely positive first.
  3. Bottom line it, or get to the point, right away.
  4. Be clear about what you need.
  5. Wait patiently. It may take him a day or two to respond.

The Worst Thing a Husband can say to his Wife

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