What to talk about with your spouse to reconnect

Life is busy. Between our jobs, hobbies, work, and shuttling kids—it’s easy to stay so busy that we miss intentionally caring for our marriages.

Date night may get less common.

Tender moments slip away.

Honest conversations disappear.

And then you start to wonder what’s happening with intimacy in your couple.

If we’re going to enjoy a healthy, happy, intimate marriage, we must intentionally reconnect with our spouse.

So, what to talk about with your spouse to reconnect?

Unveiling the Magic of Emotional Intimacy in Marriage: A Journey to the Heart

Things to talk about with your spouse to reconnect

Good communication is an important foundation for a great marriage.

We understand that we need to work hard to communicate about children, money, in-laws, vacations, and spiritual growth. We realize that we need to share our thoughts, feelings, and dreams with each other. It seems that we can talk about our finances, our vacation plans, our children’s schedules, and upcoming holiday travel.

But when it comes to the topic of our connection, sexual intimacy, many couples struggle to have meaningful and intentional conversations that help grow their marriage.

It’s even easier to talk with a good friend than with a spouse.

There may be a number of reasons why it’s difficult to talk with our spouse about sexual intimacy: it might be fear or shame or unresolved tension or a fit of low-grade anger.

There are many different topics that you can discuss with your spouse to reconnect and strengthen your relationship.

Here are a few ideas:

1. Share your thoughts and feelings about the current state of your relationship. This can help you both understand where the other person is coming from and identify any areas that need improvement.
2. Talk about your goals and aspirations for the future. This can help you both feel more connected by working towards something together.
3. Discuss your daily lives and what’s been going on in your individual lives. This can help you both stay updated on what’s been happening with each other and find opportunities to support and encourage each other.
4. Share your thoughts and feelings about your children, if you have any. This can help you both feel more connected as a family.
5. Talk about your hobbies and interests, and try to find ways to share and enjoy them together.
6. Have fun and light-hearted conversations, reminisce about past memories and share jokes and laughs.
7. Discuss your individual needs and desires when it comes to intimacy. This can help you both understand what each other wants and needs, and find ways to meet those needs.
8. Talk about any past experiences or trauma that may be impacting your intimacy. This can help you both understand and work through any issues that may be preventing you from feeling fully connected.
9. Share your thoughts and feelings about physical touch and affection. This can help you both understand each other’s preferences and find ways to make each other feel loved and desired.
10. Discuss your sexual desires and fantasies. This can help you both feel more connected and open to exploring new things together.
11. Talk about ways to make time for intimacy and how to prioritize it in your daily lives. This can help you both find ways to make intimacy a priority and ensure that you’re both getting the emotional and physical connection you need.
12. Talk about any issues related to sexual health and make sure you both are comfortable and in agreement with the precautions and measures you take.

Set aside regular time for just the two of you, without interruptions or distractions, to focus on each other and your relationship.

Remember, it’s important to be open and honest, to listen actively, and to be respectful of your partner’s point of view. Communication is key, and by being intentional about it, you can strengthen your relationship and reconnect with your spouse.

Things to talk with your spouse to reconnect: Important Conversation

Whatever the reason, there comes a time when we need to move beyond the barriers and have an important conversation.

Here are a few guidelines to help this conversation go well:

• Let your spouse know that you’d like to talk about sexual intimacy and decide together when and where is a good time to have this conversation.
• Speak for yourself and be honest with your feelings, thoughts, and desires.
• Strive to really listen to your spouse. Ask questions to clarify what he or she is saying.
•  Remember this is only one conversation; you don’t have to solve everything right now. There will be time for more discussion.
• Pick one thing that you can agree on and decide how you can act on something specific and together.

You need to strengthen your marriage in spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy.

Accepting this challenge means taking the time to actively communicate and discuss your marriage with your husband.

Take time together to discuss how you will be doing with your schedule, maybe on a weekly basis. You need to find time to talk.

Bedtime might not be a good idea!

Where will you discuss your marriage? Face-to-face, not over the phone or by e-mail.

Who will be responsible for initiating that time? Husbands, this is a great opportunity for us!

Preparing to talk about a reunion with your spouse

Make a list of some of the barriers that keep you from sharing your thoughts, feelings, or desires with each other. Then talk through your lists together and look for ways to offer grace and understanding to each other.

 

• How will you decide who answers the question first? (Rock, paper, scissors?)

• Will you commit to spending some time with each other at the end of the discussion?

• What will you do when one of the questions creates some tension?

Deep questions to ask your spouse

Don’t let any of these questions create pressure.

There’s not right or wrong way to do this.

What works for your marriage is what matters. Remember, the purpose of the challenge is to encourage communication together. Sometimes it’s hard work. But it’s always worth it.

Communicating is often a burdensome task, but it is a task that must be accomplished for a marriage to be complete. When communication falters, the marriage is in trouble. When it fails, the marriage is virtually doomed.

—R. C. Sproul, The Intimate Marriage

 

How do you define intimacy?

The word intimacy is one of those words that can have different meanings to different people. Some people think of deep conversations filled with emotional language as a perfect picture of intimacy.

Others imagine walking on the beach as the sun is going down.

For some, the word intimacy is a synonym for sex (these people are generally called husbands).

We often mistake intensity for intimacy.

For years, when our marriage was “in a funk,” we would go on a bigger and better date night—or maybe slip away for a weekend to renew the spark.

We were looking for a more intense encounter.

Big date nights and romantic getaways are great for a marriage, but they don’t ensure intimacy.

Intimacy requires an intentional time to know and be known by speaking of the deepest parts of our souls.

 

For a marriage relationship to flourish there must be intimacy. It takes an enormous amount of courage to say to your spouse, “This is me. I’m not proud of it—in fact, I’m a little embarrassed by it—but this is who I am.”

—Bill Hybels, Who You Are When No One’s Looking

What physical characteristics of your spouse do you most enjoy?

It’s good and it is right for us to enjoy the physical attributes of our spouse.

Physical attributes can arouse desire. And that’s good and right.

What hobbies or activities do you enjoy in your marriage?

1. Start with a brief introduction: Begin by acknowledging the question and stating that you have hobbies and activities you enjoy as a couple.
2. Mention a few specific hobbies or activities: Provide a concise list of the hobbies or activities that you and your spouse engage in together. You can mention two or three examples.
3. Add a brief description or reason: Offer a short explanation for each hobby or activity. It can be a single sentence highlighting the enjoyment, benefits, or reasons behind your choice.
4. Conclude with a positive note: Wrap up your answer with a positive remark or overall sentiment about the hobbies or activities you enjoy as a couple.

Here’s an example of a short explanation:

“In our marriage, we enjoy hiking, cooking, and playing board games. Hiking allows us to embrace nature and discover new trails together. Cooking is a creative outlet for us, and it’s a joy to experiment with flavors and create delicious meals. Playing board games brings out our competitive spirit and guarantees laughter-filled evenings. These hobbies strengthen our bond and create lasting memories.”

What other things would you like to do together?

People are often enamored with my Super Bowl ring. But it’s my wedding ring that I’m most proud of. And having a good marriage takes even more work than winning a Super Bowl.

—Trent Dilfer, former NFL quarterback, smartmarriages.com

 

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What are the three strengths of your marriage?

Our marriage is built on a strong foundation of love, trust, and mutual support. These three strengths are the pillars that keep us connected and thriving.

Firstly, our love is a profound and unwavering force that binds us together. It fuels our commitment to one another and fills our lives with warmth and affection. Through the ups and downs, our love remains steadfast, providing comfort and a sense of belonging.

Secondly, trust is a cornerstone of our relationship. We have built a deep sense of trust through open communication, honesty, and respect. This trust allows us to be vulnerable with each other, knowing that we can rely on one another for support, understanding, and acceptance.

Lastly, our marriage is characterized by mutual support. We are each other’s biggest cheerleaders, offering encouragement, guidance, and unwavering support in pursuit of our individual dreams and shared goals. We lift each other up during challenging times and celebrate each other’s successes with genuine joy.

These three strengths – love, trust, and mutual support – form the bedrock of our marriage. They provide the solid foundation from which we can face life’s challenges together, grow as individuals, and continue to nurture a deep and fulfilling connection.

In the tapestry of our marriage, these strengths intertwine, creating a beautiful and resilient bond that enriches our lives every day.

What one area would you like to see growth in?

1. Express gratitude and appreciation: Begin by expressing gratitude for the current state of your marriage and the positive aspects you already enjoy. This sets a positive tone for your response.
2. Identify the area for growth: Clearly state the specific area where you would like to see growth. It can be related to personal or relational growth, communication, emotional connection, or any other aspect you feel would enhance your marriage.
3. Share your emotions and desires: Express your feelings and emotions associated with the desired growth. Be honest and vulnerable about why this area is important to you and how it can positively impact your relationship.
4. Explain the benefits: Describe how growth in this area can enhance your marriage. Highlight the positive outcomes, such as increased intimacy, improved understanding, or a stronger bond between you and your spouse.
5. Express hope and commitment: Convey your commitment to working on this area and your enthusiasm for the growth it can bring. Emphasize your dedication to nurturing and strengthening your marriage.

Here’s an example response using this guide:

“I am incredibly grateful for the love and happiness we share in our marriage. As I reflect on our journey together, there is one area that I would love to see grow even further: our emotional connection.

I deeply desire a heightened emotional connection with you, where we can truly understand and empathize with each other on a profound level. I long for a space where we can openly share our deepest fears, dreams, and vulnerabilities without reservation.

By nurturing our emotional connection, we can create a sanctuary of trust and intimacy. It would allow us to feel fully seen and heard, fostering a deeper understanding and empathy for each other’s inner worlds.

I believe that through this growth, we can weather any storm, knowing that we have an unbreakable emotional bond. It would empower us to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and compassion and celebrate our joys with unparalleled enthusiasm.

I commit to actively working on deepening our emotional connection, through heartfelt conversations, active listening, and intentional moments of vulnerability. Together, let’s embark on this journey of growth, hand-in-hand, as we continue to build a marriage that is rooted in love, understanding, and emotional richness.”

Remember, this guide serves as a framework to structure your response. Feel free to personalize it with your own emotions, desires, and aspirations for growth within your unique marriage.

What is your “wildest dream” vacation?

Don’t worry about the cost or any logistics.

Remember, it’s a dream vacation!

How are you giving love in your marriage?

When answering the question, “How are you giving love in your marriage?” in an emotional tone, you can follow this guide:

1. Reflect on love as a foundation: Begin by acknowledging the importance of love as the foundation of your marriage. Express the significance and value it holds in your relationship.
2. Highlight acts of love: Identify specific ways in which you express love to your spouse. These can be actions, gestures, or qualities that demonstrate your love and care.
3. Share emotional connection: Emphasize the emotional connection you foster in your marriage. Talk about how you create a safe and supportive space for your spouse to be vulnerable and how you actively listen and understand their needs.
4. Express admiration and appreciation: Convey your admiration and appreciation for your spouse. Share the qualities, characteristics, and actions that make you love and cherish them deeply.
5. Talk about shared experiences: Discuss the shared experiences and moments you create as a couple. Highlight how you prioritize spending quality time together and engaging in activities that bring you joy and strengthen your bond.
6. Express commitment and future growth: Express your commitment to continually giving love in your marriage. Share your aspirations for future growth and how you envision your love evolving and deepening over time.

Here’s an example response using this guide:

“Love is the heartbeat of our marriage, infusing every moment with warmth, tenderness, and affection. I strive to give love to my spouse in myriad ways, nurturing a deep and meaningful connection between us.

One of the ways I give love is through acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. I find joy in surprising my spouse with small gestures that bring a smile to their face and make them feel cherished. Whether it’s preparing their favorite meal or leaving them heartfelt notes, I take pleasure in showing my love through these little acts.

But love in our marriage goes beyond mere actions; it resides in our emotional connection. I make it a priority to create a safe space where my spouse feels truly seen and heard. I listen with empathy, understanding their hopes, fears, and dreams. This emotional connection allows us to navigate the ups and downs of life with unwavering support and deep understanding.

I am constantly in awe of my spouse, and I make sure they know it. I express my admiration for their unique qualities, their strengths, and their growth. I believe that love thrives on appreciation, and I make a conscious effort to acknowledge and celebrate the amazing person they are.

Shared experiences also play a vital role in giving love in our marriage. We prioritize spending quality time together, creating memories that strengthen our bond. Whether it’s exploring new places, enjoying hobbies, or simply cuddling on the couch, these moments of togetherness fill our hearts with love and joy.

As we continue on this beautiful journey, I am committed to continuously giving love. I envision our love deepening with each passing day, growing even stronger and more resilient. Together, we will create a tapestry of love that encompasses understanding, support, and unwavering devotion.”

Remember, this guide is meant to provide a structure for your response. Personalize it with your own experiences, emotions, and the unique ways you give love in your marriage.

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How do you like to receive love?

Love means many things. It means giving. It means sharing. It means forgiving. It means understanding. It means being patient. It means learning. And you must always consider the other side, the other person. You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

—Coach John Wooden, Wooden: A Legacy in Words and Images

What are some things that make you laugh out loud?

Laughter, on a daily basis, is like taking a vitamin for your marriage.
—Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, The Love List

What are some favorite memories from your wedding day and honeymoon?

We all started out on our journey of marriage with high hopes, big expectations, and a strong commitment.

Along the way, we can lose some of the spark and excitement—sometimes we merely go through the motions, other times are difficult and challenging, and some days are busy and hurried.

Like the Israelites, we tend to forget.

It’s good for us to remember.

 

The heart of marriage is memories;

and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns,

then your marriage is a gift.

—Bill Cosby, Love, and Marriage

What is one tangible way that you can improve your spiritual intimacy together?

1. Acknowledge the importance of spiritual intimacy: Begin by recognizing the significance of spiritual intimacy in your relationship. Express how it deepens your connection and fosters a sense of shared purpose and growth.
2. Reflect on current state and desires: Reflect on the current state of your spiritual intimacy as a couple. Share your desires and aspirations for deepening this aspect of your relationship.
3. Identify a tangible practice or activity: Identify a specific practice or activity that you believe can enhance your spiritual intimacy. It can be a shared ritual, meditation, prayer, or engaging in spiritual discussions.
4. Explain the significance and benefits: Explain why this particular practice or activity is meaningful to you and how it can benefit your spiritual connection. Share how it can foster deeper understanding, support, and a sense of spiritual alignment.
5. Express commitment and intention: Convey your commitment and intention to engage in this practice together. Express your willingness to prioritize and invest time and effort into nurturing your spiritual intimacy as a couple.

Here’s an example response using this guide:

“Spiritual intimacy is a sacred and profound aspect of our relationship, one that brings us closer and strengthens our connection on a soulful level. I believe there is always room for growth, and I yearn to deepen our spiritual intimacy in a tangible way.

One specific practice that I believe can enhance our spiritual intimacy is setting aside dedicated time for meaningful conversations about our spiritual beliefs, values, and journeys. By engaging in open and honest discussions, we can explore our individual paths and support each other’s spiritual growth.

Creating a sacred space where we can share our thoughts, questions, and reflections can foster a deeper understanding of each other’s spiritual perspectives. It will allow us to connect on a deeper level, nurturing empathy, respect, and a sense of shared purpose.

Engaging in shared rituals or practices, such as meditation or prayer, can also be a powerful way to cultivate our spiritual intimacy. By setting aside intentional time to connect with our inner selves and the divine, we can align our energies and strengthen our spiritual bond.

I truly believe that by investing in this tangible practice of dedicated spiritual conversations and shared rituals, we can deepen our spiritual connection and embark on a transformative journey together. I am committed to making space for this in our lives, nurturing our spiritual intimacy, and experiencing the profound growth that awaits us.”

Remember, this guide is meant to assist you in structuring your response. Feel free to personalize it with your own spiritual beliefs, desires, and aspirations for deepening your spiritual intimacy as a couple.

Evaluate your physical intimacy. Where are you satisfied? What would you like to see changed?

Finally!

A question about SEX!

But the question is broader than just the topic of sex.

The question invites your couple to talk about physical and sexual intimacy.

Physical intimacy certainly includes sexual intimacy, but it includes many other acts of touch—hand-holding, hugs, sitting close to each other on the couch, foot rubs, massages, tender kisses, cuddling, and so much more.

It’s the things that most of us did naturally when we were dating.

And yet over time, it’s easy to stop doing those things, and then we miss out on some special and tender moments together.

Often it’s these simple things that communicate not only our love for our spouse but also how much we like and enjoy being with our spouse.

What different expectations create challenges in your marriage?

When two people come together in marriage, they bring with them a world of different experiences.

Our expectations come from the families we were raised in, the churches we’ve attended, the impact of media, our unique cultures, and so much more.

Those expectations aren’t right or wrong, but they must be spoken and understood.

If not, we end up with unmet expectations, and then disappointment sets in.

When this gap gets created, we must work hard to prevent discouragement, resentment, or bitterness from growing.

Often expectations fall into one of the following categories: unknown, unspoken, or unrealistic.

An unknown expectation is something we are unaware of that, we carry with us, and it’s “hardwired” inside. These often develop from how we saw our parents interact, and we’ve “inherited” them. We learn styles of relating from what our parents did or didn’t do, and we don’t realize the impact of these unmet expectations until something feels different in our marriage. Marital roles (housekeeping, paying bills, etc.) often fall into this category.

Sometimes we are aware of our expectations, but we choose not to speak of them. Unspoken expectations can also create difficulty in our marriages.

Finally, there are unrealistic expectations. These can be the most tricky to see. When we begin to compare our marriages to others, it’s easy to develop unrealistic expectations by thinking our marriage should look like a friend’s or we should be able to do the same things they do. Also, unrealistic expectations are often couched in global terms, such as “always” and “never” (“we should never fight,” or “you’re always late”). Ultimately, unrealistic expectations happen when we are looking for our spouse or our marriage to fill something that our spouse or marriage is not capable of filling.

Remember, expectations aren’t a problem in our marriages. They’re actually the playground where hope and dreams can grow. They become problems only when they are unknown to us, unspoken, or therefore unrealistic—and thus lead to unfulfilled expectations.

Things your partner should never say to you

What are some ways you express your love to your spouse?

• Set the context of love: Begin by emphasizing the significance of love in your relationship. Express how love is at the core of your connection and how it shapes your actions and expressions towards your spouse.
• Share specific acts of love: Identify and share specific ways in which you express your love to your spouse. These can be gestures, actions, or qualities that demonstrate your deep affection and care.
• Express admiration and appreciation: Convey your admiration and appreciation for your spouse. Highlight the qualities, characteristics, and actions that make you love and cherish them deeply. Emphasize how these qualities inspire you to express your love in meaningful ways.
• Highlight emotional support: Discuss the emotional support you provide to your spouse. Share how you actively listen, understand their needs, and offer unwavering support during both joyous and challenging times. Express how their happiness and well-being are of utmost importance to you.
• Talk about quality time and shared experiences: Highlight the importance of spending quality time together and engaging in shared experiences. Discuss the activities, adventures, or simple moments of togetherness that create lasting memories and strengthen your bond.
• Emphasize verbal expressions of love: Discuss the power of words in expressing your love. Share how you communicate your affection, appreciation, and devotion through heartfelt verbal expressions, such as compliments, affirmations, and declarations of love.

Here’s an example response using this guide:

“Love is the very essence of our relationship, and I am constantly inspired to express my deep affection for you in various ways. Your presence in my life fills me with an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude.

One of the ways I express my love to you is through acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. I take pleasure in surprising you with small gestures that brighten your day and let you know you are cherished. From preparing your favorite meal to leaving little love notes, these acts are my way of showing you how much you mean to me.

I am in awe of the person you are, and I make sure you know it. Your kindness, compassion, and strength inspire me daily. I express my love through admiration and appreciation for your unique qualities and the way you impact my life in profound ways.

Beyond actions, I am committed to being your pillar of support. I provide unwavering emotional support, actively listening to your dreams, fears, and aspirations. Your happiness and well-being are my top priorities, and I strive to be there for you, offering comfort, encouragement, and understanding.

Our quality time together is invaluable to me. Whether we’re embarking on new adventures, enjoying quiet moments of connection, or simply sharing laughter, these shared experiences create a tapestry of memories that deepen our love.

I understand the power of words, and I express my love through heartfelt verbal expressions. I shower you with compliments, affirmations, and declarations of love, letting my words be a constant reminder of the deep affection I have for you.

Each day, I seek to express my love in meaningful ways, to strengthen the bond we share. Your love has transformed my life, and I am grateful for the opportunity to show you how deeply I care. You are the love of my life, and I will continue to express my love for you in every way possible.”

Remember, this guide is meant to assist you in structuring your response. Feel free to personalize it with your own experiences, emotions, and the unique ways you express your love to your spouse.

What words do you like to hear from your spouse?

For some of us, learning to speak some very simple phrases can be of great value in our marriage. For example:

• I love you.
• I’m sorry.
• Let’s hang out.
• I miss you.
• I miss us.
• I love being with you.
• Please forgive me.
• You’re the best.
• I’ve been selfish.

What would a great date night look like?

Be specific: from how it begins, to what you’ll do together, to how it ends!

What comes to your mind when you hear the phrase “date night”?

A nice restaurant?

The symphony?

A ball game?

A movie?

Dancing?

A picnic?

It’s easy for our date nights to fall into a routine, but date nights can be a great opportunity to spark our intimacy and recalibrate our marriage.

 

A successful marriage is one in which you fall in love many times, always with the same person.

—D. W. McLaughlin, as quoted in Practical Proverbs and Wacky Wit

 

What are some behaviors your spouse does that help you feel loved?

 Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.

—Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages

Some practical ways to listen better to your spouse

Here are a few simple thoughts that might help get you started on your list:

1. Only one person speaks at a time; therefore the other person focuses on listening.

2. When listening, make eye contact with your spouse. Focus. Acknowledge that you’re listening by nodding your head or offering an “uh-huh” from time to time.

3. Remember the four Don’ts: Don’t interrupt. Don’t rebut. Don’t judge. Don’t shut down.

4. Summarize what you’ve heard. After your spouse finishes talking, summarize what you’ve heard him or her say. For example: “So what I heard you say was . . .”
5. Acknowledge feelings. Good listening is not only about the facts; it’s also about acknowledging the emotion in the conversation. For example: “It seems like you’re really sad about . . .”
6. Be curious. Ask open-ended questions.

 

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

—James 1:19b

 

Remember the most powerful three words of listening: “Tell me more.”

A final thought about what to talk about with your spouse to reconnect

Learning to listen well is an important part of any strong marriage.

If we don’t listen well, we may miss what our spouse is trying to say.

Often we listen in order to “pick a fight” or to “from our response,” and we can miss the real intent of our spouse.

“Big picture listening” is learning to hear what’s really being said, not just focusing on a word or a phrase that triggers something in us.

Intimacy is an important aspect of any relationship, and talking about it with your spouse can help you both understand each other’s needs and desires and find ways to strengthen your emotional and physical connection.

 

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It will make your marriage stronger and allow you to explore new facets of your partnership.

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